untitled.

i am a bean counter. a wack-a-mole. a kid in a pen, a con in a cell. i'm a thousand stupid metaphors that sound ever so profound until the moment they hit the air. i am, in truth, the guy i recently said i never want to become. but dig just a layer or two down and that guy is already well entrenched. but don't take it personally. my cynicism, my doubt and distrust and bitterness are just the outcome of too many years of various things (people, events, decisions) squashing every attempt i've made at a life of anything other than the status quo. and even now, when there is light on the horizon, i expect a mirage. i keep waiting for the axe to fall, for good old reality to reassert itself, and everything to come crashing down. i expect to be let down or betrayed or disappointed or tossed aside. as i said, nothing personal. just lessons from experience and it's said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. it feels like every time i try to push my horizons i get knocked back to my apparent rightful place. i want to tell the world where to go, but most of the time it seems like it's already there.